Max out your gayness
Being gay isn't a score. But if it were, you'd want it maxed. This is the field guide: what actually makes a life gayer, a meter to test yours, and 30 moves to push it all the way up.
the year Stonewall kicked the door open
countries where you can marry who you love
valid, whatever your score says
Three pillars. The lowest one is yours.
Leading researchers (us, just now) agree that gayness rests on three things. You can only be as maxed as your weakest pillar, so that's the one to work on.
Authenticity
How out you are, how much you let yourself show, and whether your wardrobe has a colour other than grey.
Community
Chosen family, queer friends, the group chat, the bar, the book club, the five-a-side team. Nobody maxes alone.
Culture
The films, the music, the history. Knowing who threw the first brick and which diva to put on at 2 am.
Say you're fully out and dress like a sunset, but you haven't seen another queer person since the last Pride. Authenticity 95, Community 20. You're at 20. Another tote bag won't fix it. A night out will.
Measure your gayness.
Set your numbers, then drag moves into your life. The bars show which pillar is holding you back. Scientifically meaningless, emotionally accurate.
Moves
Drag one into your life, or just tap it.
Your life
Drag moves back out to undo them.
Drop moves here
Six levers.
Every move in this guide pulls one of these.
Being out
The big one. Not all at once, not to everyone, and only when it's safe. But every person who knows the real you counts.
Chosen family
The friends who'd help you move, show up at the hospital and judge your date's shoes with you.
The canon
Films, books and albums that every queer person somehow ends up having seen. Get ahead of it.
The fit
Colour, glitter, a well-placed earring. Style is self-expression you can put on in the morning.
Love
Dating, flirting, situationships, the long-term partner who knows your coffee order. All of it counts.
Showing up
Pride started as a protest. Marching, voting, donating and backing the people with less safety than you.
Top 5 cities to max out in
Ranked on vibes, history, legal protection and how many rainbow crossings you'll trip over. Completely subjective, fiercely defended.
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1
99vibe score
Amsterdam
The Netherlands was the first country in the world to open marriage to same-sex couples, in 2001. Add the Homomonument and a Pride parade that floats down the canals on boats.
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2
97vibe score
San Francisco
The Castro, Harvey Milk's old camera shop and the city where the rainbow flag first flew, in 1978. A pilgrimage, basically.
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3
95vibe score
Madrid
Chueca is one of Europe's great gayborhoods, and Madrid Pride pulls crowds in the millions. Spain has had marriage equality since 2005.
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4
93vibe score
Sydney
The Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras started as a protest in 1978 and is now one of the biggest queer parties on the planet.
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5
92vibe score
Taipei
Taiwan was the first place in Asia to legalise same-sex marriage, in 2019, and Taiwan Pride is the biggest in East Asia.
Also worth a look: Berlin, which has been queer since the 1920s. São Paulo, whose Pride parade is one of the largest in the world. Mexico City, Copenhagen, and Bangkok, now that Thailand has marriage equality too. More on the country page.
30 ways to raise your score
Roughly in order of impact. Take what fits, skip what doesn't. There's no wrong way to be gay.
Authenticity 5 moves
Come out at your own pace
Start with the person most likely to cheer. Every “I know, babe” makes the next one easier.
You never owe anyone a coming out. Safety first, always.
Stop editing your stories
Say “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend” at work instead of “my partner” or “a friend”. Pronouns are free.
Let the voice do what it wants
The hand gestures, the laugh, the way you say “stop” when you mean “keep going”. It was never too much.
Find your label, or don't
Gay, lesbian, bi, pan, queer, still figuring it out. Labels are tools, not tests, and you're allowed to change yours.
Decorate like you mean it
A plant you keep alive, a framed poster of your favourite diva, a tasteful amount of rainbow. Your home is your first safe space.
Community 5 moves
Join a queer sports team
Volleyball, running, roller derby, swimming. Gay sports leagues are less about winning and more about the drinks after.
Make friends who aren't on the apps
Book clubs, choirs, hiking groups, board-game nights. The best queer friendships start without a profile picture.
Befriend your elders
Older queer people lived through things you've only read about. They have stories, and usually the best gossip.
Be the one who starts the group chat
Someone has to plan the dinner. Let it be you, and name the chat something unhinged.
Support queer businesses
The bookshop, the bar, the café with the rainbow sticker on the door. Queer spaces close when nobody shows up.
Culture 5 moves
Watch the canon
Start with Paris Is Burning, Moonlight and Portrait of a Lady on Fire. The full list is on the canon page.
Pick a diva and commit
Cher, Kylie, Madonna, Gaga, Robyn, Chappell Roan. You don't choose your diva so much as she chooses you.
Learn the history
Stonewall, Marsha P. Johnson, Sylvia Rivera, Harvey Milk, ACT UP. You're standing on a lot of shoulders.
Read queer books
Giovanni's Room, Fun Home, The Song of Achilles, Heartstopper. Bonus points for reading them on public transport with the cover showing.
Go to a drag show, and tip
Drag is art, comedy and history in heels. Bring cash, sit near the front, and don't touch the queens.
Style 5 moves
Introduce one colour
You don't need to dress like a pride flag tomorrow. A pink sock is a gateway.
The carabiner
Nobody knows why it works. It just does. Clip it to the belt loop and let the community recognise you.
Get the haircut you've been scared of
The undercut, the bleach, the mullet. Hair grows back. Regret doesn't.
Thrift with your friends
Cheaper, greener and you'll leave with at least one thing you'd never have tried alone.
Wear the outfit on a Tuesday
Stop saving the good fit for Pride. Every day is a runway if you're brave enough.
Love 4 moves
Hold hands in public
Where it's safe, it's one of the most quietly radical things you can do. Someone younger is watching and learning it's possible.
Date outside your type
Your type got you here. See what else is out there.
Stay friends with your exes
A classic of the genre. The queer world is small, and the dinner parties are better when everyone gets along.
Love yourself first
Cheesy, but true. Unlearning shame is the real long-term project. Therapy with a queer-affirming therapist is a power move.
Showing up 6 moves
March, don't just watch
The first Pride was a riot. Walking in the parade with a sign is a different feeling from watching it with a drink.
Show up for trans people
The T has always been there, from Stonewall onward. Use the right names and pronouns and speak up when it matters.
Vote like your rights depend on it
Because they do. Look up where candidates stand before every election, local ones included.
Give to queer organisations
Local LGBTQ+ centres, helplines and groups that support queer people in countries where it's still illegal. Time counts as much as money.
Be someone's safe person
Be the one a closeted cousin or a nervous new colleague can come to. Saying “you can talk to me” changes lives.
Call out the joke
You don't need a speech. “What do you mean by that?” works wonders at a family dinner.
Your Pride, planned
- Find the date and route for your local Pride
- Rally the group chat
- Sign up as a volunteer
- Start the outfit
- Go to a talk or a film screening, not just the party
- Glitter, sunscreen, water bottle
- Agree on a meeting point, because phones die
- Walk in it, don't just watch
- Tip the performers
- Check in on the first-timers
- Hydrate. Seriously.
Questions people actually ask
Am I gay enough?
Yes. There's no minimum. The meter is a joke, the guide is a nudge, and you were valid before you opened this page.
What does “maxxing” even mean?
It's internet slang for pushing something as far as it'll go. People maxx their looks, their sleep, their gym gains. We think gayness deserves the same energy.
I'm not out yet. Can I still max?
Absolutely. Culture and community count just as much, and plenty can be done quietly: books, films, online spaces, one trusted friend. Come out when and if it's safe for you.
Is this only for gay men?
No. Lesbians, bi and pan people, trans and non-binary people, the questioning and the very confused are all welcome. “Gay” is doing a lot of heavy lifting in the name.
Can allies use this site?
Yes, and please do. Skip the Authenticity pillar and go hard on Showing up.
I live somewhere small. Where do I find people?
Look for the nearest LGBTQ+ centre, university group or Pride organisation, even if it's an hour away. Online communities, queer book clubs and hobby Discords are a good start. Then one trip to a bigger city can change a lot.
Is any of this serious?
About half. The meter is nonsense. The history, the safety advice and the part about chosen family are very real.
Need homework?
The films, albums, books and history that will push your Culture pillar straight to 100.
Max out safely. In more than 60 countries, same-sex relationships are still a crime. Being out isn't safe everywhere or with everyone, and you never owe anyone your story.
And if things feel heavy, reach out to a local LGBTQ+ helpline or someone you trust. Maxxing isn't a competition. Surviving and being happy is the whole point.